I've been sitting at the computer staring at the screen for about and hour now trying to think of how to write about today i kept deleting every sentence Ive written and there is just not much to say.

My uncle pat passed away this morning. My aunt Dede is that last real Francis besides me left. I feel so sad for her. She reminds me of my daddy so much. Its kinda scary sometimes. I wish i could be at the funeral for her. My dad used to joke around with her and say that anytime he told me we were going to her house that i would start to cry. As far as i remember it actually happened one time, but dad got a real kick out of that.

I'm about to hit that point of exhaustion.

i watched my clock all last night.
i couldn't sleep once again anytime i would start to actually be asleep id fall into one of those dreams that are so real that some part of you is still awake, and every time it would be these crazy nightmares. so the times i was asleep my mind was definitely not rested.

Finally seven rolled around and i was up.
and around eight-thirty my mom, her mom, my auntie bri, and i were off to Hillsborro for bri to enter some modeling contest.

so we get there sign bri up around ten and have to occupy our time until three. Well what other way for four girls to spend five hours then shopping at the outlet malls.

Bri was finally up for her walk. As we all expected she totally nailed it. Then the final results were up. The two runners up were called.. neither were bri. Then the first winner.. nope.. Second winner.. nope. My beautiful bri had not been chosen i felt heartbroken for her. Then we figured out that they were looking for kinda all American type of girl ya know the walmart type. So my goal is to find and agency for her cause this girl is full of potential.

I slept the whole ride home. They couldn't even make be budge when they told me they would buy me ice cream. So i have high hopes for my sleeping ability tonight.

After dropping off GJ and Bri, mom and i were off to Desoto to get my little cousins Ike and Max. The cutest little boys ever! Mom and i were so tired we were forcing ourselves to talk about really random subjects from making up dance moves, to how all our favorite shows get cancelled, to giant fountains, and just the most random things i cant really remember at the moment.

Once again on the subject of maternal instinct after hours of trying to get max to sleep her finally dozes off and i can go finish watching a terrible boot leg version of The Hangover i hear him cry. Mom and i both jump up to go check. He is just wide awake. Then mom had the wonderful idea of invention baby ear plugs so they wont be bothered.

On my way back from taking my uncle Derek home i had this terrible feeling i was just going to fall asleep right in my car. I got to the point where i was squinting to see the road. But i made it safely and that all that matters.

Im off to bed and hopefully to rest my heavy mind.

My post for today is going to be short

I spend the whole day in my pajamas. It was wonderful.

took me forever but i cleaned the house and i can actually stand in my closet now.
I need to get rid of so much useless stuff in my room! I just somehow attach myself to everything.

My fifteen year old aunt Brittany is going to enter a modeling contest tomorrow and they needed to print some pictures so her and my GJ stopped by for a little bit to browse all my hundreds of pictures. Im sure she'll win this contest shes a naturally beautiful girl.

The highlight of my day was when i realized how much i love all the music in my itunes library.

I have to get up so early tomorrow, before 8 , i don't know how I'm going to do it. Oh coffee, how i love thee.

I awoke this morning to find that someone tagged my car.

This is what it said:



and

needless to say my day started out pretty grim. I still don't know who did it or why, it doesn't make any sense to me at all. Random acts of hatred?
so i cleaned my car off and tired to make myself have a better day.

Its hard to be happy when in the back of my head I'm trying to figure out why bad things happen to me. I try everyday to make sure everyone around me is happy. It kills me when i let people down. It just makes me sad to know people can be so ugly and ridiculous towards other people.
The only thing i would do if i even knew who it was would ask them why?

I thought with the company of Aaron it would brighten my day. I just couldn't be around anyone. I felt as though i needed to stay indoors and do nothing. It was one of those days.where your happiest moment is when your ramen noodles are ready, and that 70's show is on.
I found out someone who used to be really close to me tried to commit suicide because he thought no one cared about him, that no one really truly loved him. I do though. I have so much love and respect for the people who have helped me though tough times even if its been months or years since Ive seen them. I wish i would of know so i could of helped him or just to let him know that there are people not everyone is fake. There are real people with real feelings that are willing to help. He knows now and i hope he never forgets.

Before Dominik left he bought me a Beauty and the Beast movie. I couldn't sleep last night so i watch some of it. I don't know why it was my favorite movie when i was a kid. Belle is just kinda of plain, but shes smart and she sees though his awfulness. Maybe i knew i could relate to her even though i was so young somehow i knew. I wish i could remember what i thought the first time i saw it.

I don't know if i believe in fate or that everything is random.
I think somethings are fate like when you fall in love , and somethings are just random like starting a conversation with the checkout lady about cereal. I just hope the random acts of fate lead everyone to a little bit of happiness.

another extremely hot day spent in the car. I do not know why i do this to myself.

My adopted Grandmother Sylvia took my mom, Jacob, and i out for lunch at Campisi. That place reminds me of my dad so much. one day he was so excited to show me that in the guys bathroom is a poster of his friend Pat Bishop boxing. I was a little freaked out about going into the guys bathroom but i knew he was excited about it. Today my mom and i made Jacob be our look out to see if it was still there. Right above the first urinal there it hangs in all its glory. It just put a smile on my face to know my dad woulda loved to see my mom and i in the guys restroom while Jacob played look out.

Afterwards i was supposed to meet a friend of a mutual friends pictures but she bailed. It was still a successful day though don't get me wrong! spent sometime at dots closet. Then Jacob and i stumbled upon the most amazing used book store only in hope of air condition but then completely blown away by its' quaint and whimsical feel.
with the help of the lady that checked us out we found Petsmart. off we were to get Lula some tubes to go with her new house. Success was upon us when what we needed had be marked down from 14.99 to sweet 2.95. hell ya. Her cages it totally decked out now.

i was victorious in the battle of picking out photos last night! i printed them all out , went and bought new frames. Now all i have to do is mount them. Wish me the best of luck in the show!

I need to find out where i am going to move. I do not have much time now. i have a bunch of ideas i just need to follow through with one.
Thank god for google.

its just too damn hot outside


i went up to the school today to pick up my diploma but with my luck i cant get it till i bring back my Frankenstein book. So a place i honestly never wanted to step foot in again is forcing me to go back twice. Its my own forgetful fault. At least i get to see my favorite librarian Mrs.Yarbo the sweetest person in the world! i wish onto her all the happiness possible.

after being denied my diploma it was off to a long ride in my steaming hot car. Luckily it lead me to some wonderful chick-fil-a then to pet-o-rama (whats up with the hyphenated names?) in search of a cage for my fat hamster. i really hope she likes this cage. I kinda feel horrible. I am not sure why. I just want her to be happy. Its weird, like as if she was a person, i really hate seeing people sad. I have a strangely high amount of empathy , i think too much then the average person should.

My little bro watched Fight Club for the first time today. I think every guy should see this movie or read the book! Chuck Palahniuk is a great writer. That is just my opinion, and u know everyone has there own. The movie is actually really close to the book i love that. They don't change a lot of stuff just like where some things actually take place. Jacob really enjoyed it though and its hard for him to keep from texting and to watch a movie but he did!

Ive been enjoying my lazy days, its way better then sitting in my car!

I am entering this local photo contest on Thursday and im pretty stoked about it. The only thing is you can only enter 6 photos. Do you know how hard that is? especially when you have tons of photos to choose from. i hope i do well at least.

I'm off to hunt for photos!
and maybe to skype

may the Texas heat take it easy for a day.

lazy monday

woke up at noon.
Sleeping in is starting to become habit. I should really start going to bed before three in the morning.

I am really proud of myself today. The floor in my room is visible! hooray! My pile of laundry is no longer four foot tall but now a mere 6 inches!

I was planning on staying home all day to clean but Aaron coxed me outta my house with the promise of subway. It was quite delicious ! Then we went to get lula a bigger better cage. We came upon a glow in the dark one and we knew that was the one. Well after assembling the cage we let lula try it out.. but she is just to fat. She cant even fit through the tubes! So ill have to just try again tomorrow.

We watched this movie call the Foot Fist way.. Pretty fun man.. Pretty funny

I wish i had something exciting to write about. Maybe tomorrow? I actually like my life kinda boring though.

fathers day

my first fatherless fathers day.

i was more weirded out then sad. I cried at breakfast though. I'm not sure if people understand how hard it is to eat when your crying, well its terribly hard. it would have been a stranger day if i didn't have my step dad Jeff and Grandpa Daniel to celebrate with.

It was also Dominik's last day in America! It almost ended terribly. His house dad was mad that he hadn't dusted or some kinda chores and he decided to kinda yell at me to leave so i did. Everything worked out and i took him out for his last dinner in America. Ihop at 1am. How american can you get?

Oh im super hightech now! I am now an owner of a webcam and skype. I guess its more exciting for me then anyone else..

i made it through another day without any terrible break downs. My lack of sleep is really getting to my head though.

Family outing to the mall!

apparently everyone else in the Arlington area decided to have a family day at the mall . Gees Louise! There were so many people! Jeff (my step dad) decided he wanted new clothes, which is kinda strange for Jeff. Mom and I were his and my little bro Jacobs personal shopping assistance's. We were once again unsuccessful in getting Jeff to buy or even try on a sweater vest or a V-neck t-shirt. I guess hes just not ready to be a hipster.
Surprise surprise we had to stop in the Knife shop where Jeff freaked out the employee by asking if he could test a knife out. The guy looks at him in shock as if no one has ever asked before and kind of shrieks "no.."
Staring at the Samurai swords the thought accrued to Jacob "how do you walk out with one of those things" so Jeff informs us well there is a kid checking out with one right now and what do you know. I actually know the kid who is buying a samurai sword. What a crazy world.


Walmart is definitely the home of procrastinators. Its the only store open 24hrs that has everything you will need if you forget a birthday, a party, that your outta toilet paper, or that you need to by a card for holiday. Without doubt there are always a bunch of people there anytime of night. Those procrastinators just don't have to have a care in the world thinks to walmart.

Those were my only outtings today.

Tomorrow is going to be an especially tough day on me. I know ill be okay though. I am much stronger emotionally and physically then i think i am sometimes. I just don't see it until something happens. I can see that i have grown a lot as a person.It is a bizarre feeling that i can clearly see myself growning as a person. Into a good perosn, someone that i am proud to be. i know my dad would be proud who i have become as well.

waking up early is totally worth it when you get to go to hurricane harbor!

I went to drop off a movie at the red box that i always go to , that almost always has a line, and this redbox guy is there taking all the movies out. I had no idea that redbox could not do well. Its a freaking dollar a day! who wouldn't wanna rent from there?! i really hope the guy actually puts my movie into the box or else i am going to have a hefty fee!

the lines at Hurricane Harbor blow seriously you wait in line for an hour and get to on a ride for the maximum of 2 mins. i do not think that weighs out. Lazy river is by far the best thing there.
I successfully did not get sunburned anywhere too bad but my cheeks are terribly red.

afterwards it was off to kidnap my little brother from our grandparents house! Then too my GJs house where we are throwing a going away party for my Aunt Lissa! hooray another party.

Another pretty good day!

something bad will happen soon i can feel it creeping around the corner but until it does i will keep in the sunlight !

Wednesday/ Thursday

Wednesday: Camping =]
i love sleeping out doors roasting marshmellows
not going to sleep till four in the morning is no bueno
waking up to the sound of a phone alarm
waking up to the sound of birds is wonderful





Thursday: SHOWERING
aw how nice a shower can feel after sweating like a mad man.
Saving Aaron from Army recruiters
Getting lost trying to find the Hookah bar for the second time is kinda sad
trying to watch a movie that skips and with bugs on the screen is difficult

so far two good days in a row

if you were to ask me whats been on my mind today i would have to reply "i really miss my daddy"

i guess i am not allowed to have two great days in a row, at least not yet.

i should start following my guy feeling more often , i believe it would lead me to more happiness then what i can be swayed to do.
i wanted to stay home and do nothing at all today. At least that is what my gut wanted to do, but no i listen to whatever it was that told me to text and find something to do. That feeling lead me to inviting Aaron to go camera shopping with me and help Jen find something. Well from target to wolf camera and back to target she decided she would wait. Which is totally okay with me. saving money is not a bad thing in my book. so we headed back to my grandmas where i was faced with another decision
go to Zumba and work out then go to Adairs and sit there while everyone else is drinking
OR
go back to midlo and find something to do with Aaron

well of course my gut is telling me to just stay close to home and hang out with Aaron. Nope, i decided to go to Dallas and sweat in a workout class (which wasn't bad) then sit at a bar.

before i headed out to Dallas my mom called me and told me that one of my dads friends Doug had passed away in April. I wish i woulda know before. I could of at least done the respectable thing and went to his funeral. I would rather get to say the last goodbye then just never hear or talk to the person again. Its not like he was the greatest guy in the world. He was terrible with money, thought we owed him when we were broke , and was on drugs and drank to much. But he was part of my dads life and my dad just saw there was good somewhere in him. It just makes my heart hurt that i didn't know before today.
When we were at Adairs I was asked how my dad was doing. So i answered he passed away, and my face immediately got hot and i couldn't stop my eyes from watering and filling up with tears. But she didn't know. i hope she knows i wasn't mad at all. It just reminded me he is gone.

so im going to cuddle up with the sock monkey Elvis and sleep. I am follow ing my gut all day tomorrow.

MEWITHOUTYOU

thanks to two amazing people i had a marvelous day.

first off Dominik and i had some tasty china panda (panda express) for lunch then rushed to see the movie up!
which by the way was such a sweet movie. Since my recent loss I've been even more sentimental then usual and the old man in the movie was so adorable!

then my sweet Aaron took me to a concert in Dallas.
just wanted to say...
MEWITHOUTYOU blew my mind!

what i saw of it at least. I am about 5'3" and Aaron is 6' . Somehow every time i go to a concert where its standing room only i get to pleasantly stand behind GIANTS. I am not kidding. Tonight anywhere i tried to move everyone around me was 5'9" or taller! Then this nice guy with dreadlocks let me stand in front of him and i had a great view until another giant decided to stand right in front of me. Aside from my complaining it was a great show! The lead singer was captivating i didn't wanna take my eyes off of him. I could go on and on and on and on about it. Go see them if you ever get a chance !

i love watching viewers voice on the news. one day i am going to send something in about how ignorant people can be. There have got to be more news and more stories in the cities the local news covers, at least more then the same five stories on every channel. I have got to get cable! my TV viewing during the day is limited to soaps, court TV, game shows, or barney. Thank goodness for hulu!

i hope tomorrow can bring as much joy as today.

sunday lake

what a wonderful Sunday.
i spent the day with terrific company at the delightfully dirty Joe Pool Lake. There were so many people there i don't ever remember it being that crowded. we had the whole side of the sand bar to ourselves though so we really didn't bother anyone and no one really bothered us. I played my first game of washers which is actually kinda of hard to do. i could never make it in the circle in the middle of the box , but i did make it in the box a few times.
at the end of our day LT played mom to these little boys who decided they wanted to come over and play with us.




LT was persistent on making sure the kids had somethings to eat and drink. I'm pretty sure that maternal instinct just kicked in. it was really sweet when the, I'm not quite sure if he was or not, dad thanked us for being so kind. the thing is, my family is really good at making other people feel like family. We do not like to leave anybody out of anything. Even if they are people that we have just met we treat them as if we've known them our whole lives.


These past three weeks have felt like I was going nonstop. Today to sit back and do nothing but float in the water was needed and completely welcomed!


(by the way I made it a week with my blog so far yay !)

watch

its so terribly hot outside. it is unbearable !
my car is an awesome1990 Honda and its black with an AC that hardly works speed demon. So a five min drive today was just a taste of what might be in store for me in the afterlife.

After DDs wedding , which was beautiful, I went to my grandmas with Dominik and played a battle to the death game of volleyball. The later into the night the more competitive my family gets. It gets so intense i have to step away.

I was actually saved by my four year old cousin who started crying uncontrollably when my grandma threatened to spank her for putting this made in china toy dog into the baby pool.
I am not to keen on bratty little kids, and not to put anyone down at all ,this little girl definitely knows how to get what she wants. So im the closet one and since i really do no wanna listen to her cry, and I'm sweating to death in the Texas heat, i pick her up and take her inside. while im carrying her she is yelling/crying "grandma ruined my life" ...how dramatic. After finally calming her down i get to watch The Little Mermaid.

i find it so funny how much of a maternal instinct kicks in and i can calm down little kids when they start throwing a fit, or when they are tired to put them to sleep.maybe its just programed into me, or maybe its just what I have learned from watching people.

i dont know if im learning anything from the past hour watching Lula run around in her yellow ball and my mom actually holding her. but it did blow my mind.

watch and learn

wedding

today Mary and her Giant got married.
It was a very beautiful wedding, just not exactly what i am used too in weddings but it was nice. (No booze and not really any dancing like my familys' get togethers) It all went smoothly until this awkward terrible long song they played right in the middle of the ceremony but it was good.well there was a little bit of drama from an ex totally slutty girlfriend who has wedged herself Marys husbands family' mother in law at the reception. It was dealt with before it could escalate any further. Besides that we got some really awesome photo booth photos:




1.Bri me and mom 2.me and my momma 3. Bri Lissa Jen and meh!

so yea we entertained ourselves, and by the way I'm the only blondie of the group, and i like it that way.

tomorrow is my friends dds wedding. I really hope they like the photos i took for them, i guess ill see tomorrow!

weddings are crazy. the bride and groom always want it to be just about them , but in the back of there heads they are making sure everyone else is enjoying themselves. Even on there day until they get to go to their honey moon or when they finally get away from the wedding party they cant relax. it seems terrible! On the other hand, it is a joyous and memorable day for them and everyone close or even those who are distant. Standing together in front of everyone they know,they may not see the one bridesmaid chewing gum, hear the babies crying the the pews, or that a few candles of gone out. They will remember how they look at each other, how much love they have for each other, or how sweaty their palms are. They'll remember the things that are actually important. hopefully they'll forget the drama and remember the first dance as husband and wife. it seems that when the heart is happy then nothing else matters but the cause of your happiness.

14 death defying acts

hooray Ive made it to Thursday!
well i work up at the crack of morning or well..one this afternoon , which is very strange for me I'm usually up by nine every day but no i made it to one ! just a miniature victory for me. i knew the day didn't have to much in store for me considering i didn't have that empty feeling of forgetfulness in my belly as i laid around and did nothing. but to my surprise i was forgetting something, I have got to finish editing dds wedding pictures! but today had bigger plans for me.

I was going to go look at cameras at this shop in Dallas with Aaron, but it flooded really bad out there so we decided to hit the movies! After stopping off at the dollar store to fill my purse with candies we watched the hangover. There was this lady sitting right behind us laughing hysterically.. oh it was terrible. Anytime i would start to laugh her howl would take over and absorb my little giggle into it and made half of the movie not as funny as it coulda been. Damn people with stronger vocal chords.

anyways ..
afterwards i headed out to Dallas with my momma and aunt Lissa, the two women that i can relate to the most. We were going to see a play at The Ochre House over off of exposition called 14 Death Defying Acts An Autopsy on Hunter S. Thompson. I would definitely recommend this play to anyone who reads Hunter S. Thompson it was so wonderful

when we got there it was just us three, it was our own private show. Then right before it started this little hippy lady showed up. so it was just us four. I really enjoyed it though, I was blown away by the guy playing Hunter he did such a great job. If your anywhere near Dallas go see this play =]

I was starving after the play so after taking Lissa home we hit up the local taco bell and got way too much food then either of us could eat. So we gorged and watched Conan oh was i excited that Norm was on! he was one of my favorite people to be on SNL.

SO my lazy day was actually okay, i guess you really cant ever tell how your day will turn out when you wake up.

child

I have this hamster, her name is Lula and she is the most entertaining thing ever. I got home today and since hamster are nocturnal i really did not expect her to be awake but to my surprise not only was she awake but excited to see me. I have no idea how i know this and its terribly sad to me that i can read the expressions of my pet, but she was so lonely last night. my mom the one who actually bought Lula has been so frightened to hold her so of course no one has paid any attention to this hyperactive animal. Aaron's always laughing at how much i turn into a little kid when she cracks me up. but i love it. i love things that take you back to being a kid.

no matter how old you get, when you loose that little sparkle of childhood a huge part of you is gone. That is one of the things what i loved about my daddy. He never grew up. He was always telling jokes, flirting with the nurses (even the not too good looking ones), and coming up with the most outrageous get rich quick schemes. Oh and he loved to buy me stuffed animals. When i was little he would just come home with random stuffed animals just because. One of my dads favorite jokes was : so Mickey Mouse is trying to divorce Minnie Mouse , and the judge says," so what is your reasoning for wanting a divorce?" and Mickey says ,"cause shes fucking Goofy!"

oh it makes me giggle every time.

SO my advice for kids who try to grow up to fast is to slow down. All that happens when you start to get older is you talk about the past, you talk about how great it was being a kid. There is pain in being an adult, and your constantly having to make decisions. Stay carefree , dont even begin to worry about what other people are doing, do what you want. Stay young.

for aaron

A friend of mine trusted me with a pair of scissors and a fairly old razor to cut his hair. Aarons' hair is now gone. My sweet soulmate allowed me to cut off all his curly brown lock off. it was terribly frightening! we postponed multiple times trying to make this a little easier for him but it turned out suprisingly well..amazing.

here aaron with his bro fro:



and now with the original jade cut:

The cutting process took place in my back yard. By the end of it there were little animal like curls all over the grass. Oh its so amazing to me how a hair do can change the way some people look. Especially the cut, it changes the persons whole persona. It reviles a different side of the person that has always been there, but hidden away. Now its released and there is nothing you can do but to just take it in and remember who it is. I most definitely see Aaron in a different way now, its just strange he looks older or something i cannot put my finger on it , but he is still my sweet Aaron, the boy who will stick with me through anything.
I love how he actually understands my ups and downs. He knows how to act and react when I start getting down. When I get depressed its terribly, but I am sure its that way for most people. It just springs at me and attacks every good thought I have. Except sometimes my artistic side , occasionally ill be able to write and I come up with stuff like :

" it happened
it shouldnt have
But i am weak
I let it grab hold
I let it pull me under
It unleashed me, I thought .
But it tugged me back
It gave me whiplash that wont go away
I tried to free myself
Thinking makes it worse
Explination is impossible
Help is wanted
needed
gone
Exhaustion is what it leaves me
I cry
I yell
I belive
I fight it
But it got ahold of me
Im turing blue
I have to break free

its one of my favoire poems ive written .I was not in a good place but if i wasnt i would never be able to write like this.

becasue of aaron ive been doing alright, i dont know what id do without him.

first

im going to TRY to do a 365 blogg.
she smiles sweetly is one of my all time favorite rolling stones songs so i chose that for the title.
ive been throgh alot this year and it would be a great idea to document all my ups and downs for this next year. I am a procrastinator so ill try to write every day if not every other day.

First off I am a newly high school graduate, and no I do not know what I am going to be doing next year for school. Most likely community college, it seems to me to be the more intelligent thing for me to do, considering it is reasonably cheaper.

The main reason I wanted to start this blog was to see how I deal with the loss of my dad. His name was James M. Francis. He was diagnosed with brain cancer around November of 2005. I spent the next three and a half years in and out of nursing/assistive living homes making sure they were treating my daddy with the most respect. According to everyone who knew my dad and I, I was his Jadey baby I was his sunshine and the reason he held on so long. The last day I saw my dad was March 18 2009 on Wednesday. By that week I was the only one my dad would respond to, or the only subject he would open his eyes for. The next day he was gone. I cried so hard. It was the most surreal thing to ever happen. People have told me to prepare for him to be gone soon. But how tha hell to you prepare for something like this? I have a really close friend named Meagan who was with me when I found out. She has been around since I was 18 months old and she is probably the one of the only other person who understands how hard this has been besides my mom. Even though they were separated for over 11 years he still loved her till his last day.

I will write more on this subject quite often. If it wasn’t for Meagan I would definitely feel lost. My mother as well if it wasn’t for her I would still be in bed curled up with the sock monkey I gave my dad at Christmas that he names “Elvis”.

There are reasons why certain people are in your life and why some leave, I just wish I knew when they were coming and going. I love it when they are just there, there for you when you need it the most. There to make you smile when you cant even see through the sea of tears in your eyes.

This is just a little on why I started this blog. After all of this I still find some way to smile everyday. Even on my most horrific days there is a ray of sunshine that will make me smile.