its been a long weekend with no Internet!

Friday i went back down to midlo and help my mom and jeff move more stuff out to the ranch. I really don't know how i get recruited to move stuff considering i can hardly lift anything too heavy.and that night we had wonderful steak! I've miss getting to have wonderful steak all the time.

Saturday was a kind of an emotionally tough day for me. It was my dads birthday. All i wanted to do was go take flowers to his grave site the whole day but we ended up having to move a lot of stuff and everyone was bickering at each other and i just wanted to lay down and cry. after several house of loading stuff into three cars mom and i went and put flowers at my dads grave and his parents grave. I wish he was still here. Its still so unfair to me, i just miss him so much that it just hurts my heart.

I went back to Austin on Sunday. I went a different way this time and it was so much scenery! i loved it. I just hung out with Jennifer and Asa had some amazing tacos and carrot cake! incredibly random much but oh well it tasted wonderful!

The most exciting part about Monday was going to Ruta Maya and seeing Brandon's band play. Its just him and a girl whose name i think is Danielle that could be wrong never the less she had such a wonderful and soulful voice it was amazing.

i could not sleep at all last night it was terrible. I just lay there wide awake till probably 4 in the morning. My first class was at 10 this morning and i thought i was going to just pass right out!
Tonight I'm supposed to go see Brandon play with another band I'm pretty excited I'm just going have to drink a lot of coffee to stay awake!


oh and I'm going through a black and white faze =]

wonderful

i don't know why but when i see someone who i think is really interesting or just someone i know i would probably get along with i get to nervous to even try to talk to them.i cant push the words out, they are all there stuck in my head i just cannot get them past my thoughts, its like i cant make anything verbal. its kinda of dumb cause i know once i start talking all will be okay its just that initial first step. I need to work on my self esteem so badly. I think its one of the big reasons i get stuck in a rut sometimes. I am no more flawed then the person next to me. so why should i worry. we are all humans.why should we feel less interesting then any other person? I'm kinda on a rant. I feel ashamed of myself for being timid, its not really who i am, but it come out sometimes.and i guess its who i am that day. As Marilyn Monroe put it "i just want to be wonderful."

hair

how is it that a hair cut or a new style or color can make you feel like a different person?
I don't remember the last time my hair has been this short. I keep running my fingers through it and before i know it I've already run my hand all the way to the end.

i felt like a crazy person today. I had my hamster in the passenger seat and my cat in my lap while i was try to drive to my grandmas. oh and i get to do it all again tomorrow!

my road trip with my momma starts thursday I'm beyond excited

peace of mind?

I need to find my peace of mind. I've been so out of sorts lately, I feel like I'm loosing myself to some kind of emptiness. I know that everyone is constantly changing but I think I maybe stuck... if thats possible? Or I'm just not noticing whats changed. My thoughts have been so out there.


while cleaning like crazy today i came across a lot of things that reminded me of old friends. People that I've drifted away from or that have drifted away from me. It makes me kinda of sad, because if i saw any of them today we probably wouldn't even say a word to each other. I'd probably just smile and wave and they would in return. I wish i knew who would be staying around and who wouldn't be. It would make life so much easier.

(12:06)
frozen pizza!

i was sitting outside reading and when i looked up there were 17 elk going for a dip into our pond. It was probably one the most amazing things I've ever witnessed.

i spent the day reading Live From New York. I love when i read a book and feel like I'm apart of it. Like without me there would be no book. I always feel kinda of sad when i finish books its like I've lost someone after devoting so much time to something it just makes sense.

I think I'm going to try to make my blog look better wish me luck.

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Rain in Dallas just makes me so happy.
It reminds me of when i was younger and my parents were still together, we lived in this old house on the M streets and every time it would rain i would go out in my swim suite and play in the streets.

my day started around noon, me and meg went to pick her car up from Daniels house, then went to breakfast with Olivia and Kaitlin. I think ihop is one of my favorite places to eat. Probably not the healthiest but stuffed french toast is so amazing.

Then i was back on the highway headed home.

I finished all four seasons of weeds and all that is out for season 5 before we headed to the new house.

I slept the whole way, I couldn't resist. When i wouldn't go to sleep as a baby one of my parents would put me in the car and drive me around until i would fall asleep. I think its drilled into my head to sleep in cars and i always get the best sleep.

I think were going to watch pulp fiction tonight yay!
My mom is dancing to boogie fever as she making a drink right now.


this is for Friday:

i went to the mall to find a dress for my elementary school reunion today!
forever 21 is one of the craziest busy stores, and so overwhelming with all the colors! They always have really good prices that make up for the craziness.

then i went home and watched weeds while i was getting ready.

My mind has been so blown!
Its been 6 years since we were in Elementary school, and looking at everyone now and remembering how we all looked back then seeing them now is so funny to me. We all have that same initial look we had back then but we are just bigger and older versions.

After Daniels we went to our friend Taylor's' house in the pouring rain. Running from Daniels front door to Sophia's car we were completely drenched. Then i had to run into 7-11, soaking wet standing in that freezing store was torture!

At Taylor's i think i spent to whole time talking to Jessica and Sophia, and renamed a few people.
It was a really funny, i guess the word would be funny, night.

when me and Meagan got back to her house i sat outside on the porch for awhile. It was the first time in so long that i felt content, i felt happy, i felt peace and it all way good.

when i went in Meg was already out. So i flipped through the TV stations till i found something interesting on, and i feel asleep to John Travolta's disco dancing self in Saturday Night Fever.

today was the epitome of a terrible day.

if you remember the children book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day well that's about how my day went and like the story my mom was there to make me feel better by making me soup and a hot turkey and cheese

I woke up and everything seemed fine and i was excited cause i was going to Austin with my little brother.

I am so glad that i knew my way to Austin because the GPS thingy decided it didn't want to work. Then my ipod died. Everything would have been fine if i just would have listened to my first instinct but no i missed an exit and ended up in the middle of nowhere. Oh and my brother is no help what so ever. Then he realizes he has a GPS on his damn iphone and so we made it to our first stop. Then we got lost a few more times before we made it to Jimmy Johns for lunch.Every time we got lost was so frustrating, Jacob was just being obnoxious still not helpful and it just put me in the worst mood. I wanted to just break down and cry at that point.Probably the best part about my trip was my sandwich. Then i went up to the school so i could fix my residency to fix my tuition. Denied, same lady that messed me around last time. Then on the way to take Jacob to his mom, i didn't listen to my gut I listened to my gut again and got lost. Well while i was trying to get back to the highway i get pulled over for doing 50 in a 35. I was lost, i was looking for signs to lead me home not freaking speed signs and that ass gave me a ticket. I get to the outlet malls to take back some stuff for mom and this is where i break down. I start balling when i walk out of some store and i giant black marks all down my face it didnt even bother me. It relieving to cry to let out all the built up annoyance of the day.I know this sounds ridiculous to read but it was just one bad thing after another.

I was really hoping my brother would be kind of excited to take a trip to Austin, but he didn't seem interested at all the whole ride. I should have just gone alone. It makes me feel shitty when i try to make it a good day and i can't even make myself try to smile. I want to be happy, i hate being down and frustrated it just kills me inside.

I saw a sign today that said "Not all days are good. Somedays your the pigeon and somedays yout the statue." I am definitely the statue today, a bronze statue painted white by a coat of bird shit.

it was raining again when i woke up today

after laying on the couch for awhile i thought to myself , "jade, you should really try to work out why don't I go run today."
so i put my bright yellow tennies on, strapped my ipod to my shorts, stretched, and then i was off.
well i made it to the end of the second block and i was already having trouble breathing and my stupid headphones kept creeping out of my ear. With no fear i toughed it out. When i was back home i just laid in the middle of the living room floor and i could feel the heat steaming off me and the sweat rolling down my legs, so i ran a bubble bath. It was amazing.

Oh i picked up my little step brother today. Its been awhile since I've even got to even talk to him. On our way home i had to take back a broom to target and go get on at the dollar store. ya my family is cheap but who cares. While at dollar tree Jacob and i decided we would try a Klondike bar since neither of us have. The results are in and neither of us would do too much for one, but they were good i mean look at the smile on his face.

we then had a delightful dinner of taco bell and watch Cool Hand Luke. No doubt one of the most wonderful movies i have ever seen. Last year mom and i were at Austin City Limits when we found out that Paul Newman had died, so on my moms arm was "rest in peace cool hand Luke" and on my legs as well.

a true and sad fact of the day : finished season two of That 70's Show and season one of Weeds

for the past few days ive started watching Weeds from the beginning. I love this show, it makes me wish i had showtime. oh and i love the Transformers movies now.

I have been kinda outta sorts lately. I dont know why. I know something inside of me is a little off, i kinda feel numb... and its a bad numb. I am really not sure if its a bad thing though. Maybe my body is just overly excited about moving and its shutting down some of my other feelings.
Sometimes when i look back at the day i dont realize it was actually me. Weirdness.

If i don't take anything i think i could stay up all night with no problem.
Last night i didn't even realize that it was already near 4 in the morning before i thought of going to sleep. Another sign telling me i need to do more, i probably need to get out of the house. I enjoy doing nothing though, its a little sad.

I ran into a friend of mine Audrey today when i went to go buy a new broom. It was raining outside. I don't know what i was thinking about then i heard a familiar voice call my name, and there she was. Audrey was one of the only people who could actually make me feel better after my dad passed away. When i started to talk to her today i felt like crying. I have no idea why though. We weren't talking about anything sad i just felt like crying. Maybe my mind was exhausted and didn't want excel anymore.